The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Randomize
