I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
