So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
