Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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