I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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