She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
