He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
