Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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