It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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