There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
