i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Randomize
