So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
false alarm. still invincible.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
