He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
My ATM looks so different sober.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
How does one acquire holy water?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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