Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Randomize
