Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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