i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
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