At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
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