Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
