oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
3pm strippers are depressing
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
