Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
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