Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
