i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
