did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
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I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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