Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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