I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
