Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
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Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Vodka?
Forever.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
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I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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