omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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