I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
The best revenge is premature balding
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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