Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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