I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
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Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
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I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
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