It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
His hands were made for my vagina.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Randomize
