Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Randomize
