so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
dude. I can hear the air.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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