good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
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