wrigley field is MILF paradise
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
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