I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
