if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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