Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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