Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
