you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
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