So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Randomize
