did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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