i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
