Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize
