My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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