Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Randomize
