Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
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