I hate all girls vehemently.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
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