I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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