I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
