i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
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he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
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He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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