I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
