"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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