i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
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