My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
