After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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