i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
