I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
