how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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