I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
