I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
